The Ex Avenger and the Closet Fangirl
by Gawd Complex
Summary: They both thought of it as their ultimate opportunity. Oh, how wrong they were. SasuHina. Crackfic.


**Disclaimer: Naruto and characters do not belong to me. **

**This is a parody. Which mean it is over dramatised and whatnot. Do not take this seriously!**

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke was excited. 

It wasn't really noticeable for the average human.

He still had the permanent scowl on his face, and looked like he was going to kill you if you dared to invade his personal bubble.

But for those who knew him, there was this really miniscule twitching at the corners of his mouth, that told things differently. And there was this almost unnoticeable happy-ish jump in his walking.

Luckily for his reputation not many people knew him.

Of course they'd heard of the (in)famous last Uchiha, but having heard of and _knowing_ people are two entirely different things.

Uchiha Sasuke smirked at no one in particular while he resumed his walk.

Oh, life couldn't get better than this.

He hadn't felt this happy since he first activated his curse seal.

He merrily forgot that the same curse seal had now forever cursed his life, and made him do the stupidest thing he'd done, ever.

Okay… Another example then...

He hadn't felt this happy since he killed off Itachi. **(1)**

He merrily forgot that that happiness had only last three seconds before he had realised he'd almost killed his best friend, betrayed his home village, had gone to an old perverted man who'd only wanted him for his body, just to kill his last living relative…just for these three seconds of euphoria. That was when he had a mental breakdown.

Okay… so maybe this happiness couldn't really be compared to one of past experiences of happiness.

Let's just say that Sasuke hadn't been this happy, _ever_.

He felt… euphoric. He felt as if he could handle the world!

Because Uchiha Sasuke, after months of sweating, showing his near perfect skin and seduction, had accomplished his other life goal.

No, he hadn't impregnated some random woman so he could revive the Uchiha clan.

But …his feelings of love had been returned.

True, Sasuke had almost given up hope. Who wouldn't, after three years of trying to catch someone's romantical interest? (Besides of Ino and Sakura. The former had chased him around for nearly four years, the latter had outdone the other, by chasing him for nearly nine.) **(2)**

He'd found out that being a best friend to the idiot wouldn't help him, so that was why he'd tried to _seduce_ him.

He'd made sure that he and Naruto had to share tents on missions, he'd showed his muscles while training, he'd levelled his voice a little deeper and huskier whenever Naruto had been around.

Hell, he'd even made an all-ramen-diet for himself, so he would meet the blonde at Ichiraku's! He'd even paid the blonde's trips to the hot springs!

And now… Naruto had asked him to come over to his house that night… And he wasn't allowed to tell… _anyone._

Uchiha Sasuke smiled in glee.

Some little kids that had been playing in the street Sasuke was walking in, screamed in fright and ran as fast as they could.

Sasuke frowned lightly in annoyance. Damn Orochimaru for teaching him Villain Smile #37. Now it was like his second nature, and he couldn't help but be annoyed by it.

However! Sasuke, determined to not let his good mood been ruined by insignificant little villagers, continued to smile in glee, ignoring the terrified screams of men and children.

* * *

Hyuuga Hinata opened her eyes. 

…This was _not _her double-deluxe super bedroom at the main House's mansion.

Her reasoning? This room did _not _have a super sized photo of Naruto doing the good-guy pose on her ceiling.

Thus, this was not her room.

Yes, Hinata's moment of genius did not allow her to notice to see a shady figure sitting in a chair next to her bed, until it was too late.

"Hinata-sama!" Hyuuga Neji's voice called out.

After months of practicing Hinata had become used to Neji's little quirk of screeching her name out loud, somewhere close to her, on moments she thought she was alone.

So the only thing she did now, was wince. At least she had gotten over the whole fainting thing. Unless Naruto was around, of course.

"N-Neji-nii-san." Hinata stuttered, and looked at her cousin, who looked worriedly at her.

"You're at the hospital." Neji told her, looking quite suspicious. "You fainted. Have you been skipping dinner again?"

Hinata didn't react. She was hyperventilating. She remembered. She had fainted. In front of Naruto-kun!

"Naruto-_kuuuuun_." Hinata hyperventilated, her face turning a deep red from embarrassment.

Neji sighed, and rolled his eyes. Naturally, Hinata's weird behaviour had to do with Uzumaki. Neji looked at the obsessive closet fangirl **(3)** and took note of all the funny faces she made while hyperventilating.

I fainted… in his face! In front of his eyes! I'm so stupid! How could I! In front of his eyes! He will never think I'm normal again! He will hate me! _Whyyyyyyyyy_?! Why can't I act normal around Naruto-kun?! Why Kami-sama?!

"-sama?"

Hinata looked up, on the verge of a breakdown. Neji chorusing with her thoughts had caught her attention. Neji sighed dramatically, seeing her expression.

"_I asked_…" Neji emphasised, "if you would like to change you clothes."

Hinata looked at Neji with a what-in-the-world-are-you-talking-about look.

Neji did the thing he was best at, and sighed dramatically, wondering why he just had to be family of the weird girl, and explained impatiently. "For Naruto, remember? He asked us to come to his house tonight."

Hinata took the cue, and was, once again, flushed a deep red, making Neji wonder if it was healthy for your face to pump that much blood to it hundred times a day.

Hinata, on the other hand, had other things to wonder about…

What should she wear?! What did Naruto like?! Why did Naruto want her to come?! Did Naruto like her?! **Where was her triple sized poster of Naruto when she needed some reassurance?! **

"-sama?"

Hinata gave Neji an I-need-reassurance-or-girl-talk-**now** look.

Neji felt his eyebrow twitch uncontrollably.

"Never mind."

* * *

That night a near-hysterical Sasuke walked around Konoha, flashing everyone his Villain Smile #37. He could only barely contain his I-am-too-cool-to-be-excited attitude as he headed over to Naruto's house. 

He never noticed the hyperventilating Hinata walking at a two meters distance from him.

Hinata never noticed the _nearly_ hyperventilating Sasuke walking at a two meters distance from her.

Neji did though.

"Uchiha." He acknowledged coldly.

Sasuke, who had been lost in his own world, looked up quite disturbed. When he saw Neji he narrowed his eyes.

"Hyuuga." He acknowledged, just as cold, if not colder, than the Hyuuga had done.

The two glared before turning their heads away as much as possible, and ignoring each other.

Thanks to the Byakugan Neji managed to avoid a lamppost. Damn, looking left was quite difficult. Sasuke, with his 'I'm holier than thou' attitude never had such problems, as lampposts and such all magically jumped out of his way.

Hinata never noticed anything, neither Neji avoiding yet another lamp post nor Sasuke's company, as she was being busy with hyperventilating.

Not many people knew this, but Neji and Sasuke had developed quite a rivalry, though both for different reasons.

Neji because of a poll he lost. Namely the 'Who is the coolest human ice cube in Konohagakure?'

Neji had been second.

He had answered the question '_what is your greatest motivation for your bastard attitude_?' with a '_hate and fate_'.

Apparently fangirls didn't like poetry. They did like avengers though. Stupid fangirls.

Thus, Neji's hate for the Uchiha had started. (And for fangirls: how dare they insult poetry?!)

Sasuke's rivalry had started because of _entirely_ other reasons. He did not see Neji as a rival of coolness. He saw Neji as a love rival.

After all, wasn't it the Hyuuga prodigy that had said to Naruto that Naruto had pretty eyes? **(4)**

The three shinobi continued to walk to Naruto's house with the hyperventilating Hinata in the middle, and the brooding duo off to the sides.

Then they arrived at Naruto's house.

Sasuke, who had been busy thinking of ways to get through the 360 degrees sight of the Byakugan unnoticed to poke said eyes out while dodging the Jyuuken fist, looked up disturbed.

He glowered at the two Hyuuga. "What are you doing here?" he demanded rudely. If he hadn't been an Uchiha, he would have pointed his finger at them indignantly.

Hinata, who'd been busy thinking up ways to greet Naruto ("Hello Naruto-kun," "Good evening Naruto-kun," "Naruto-kun," "IWANTYOURBABIESNARUTOKUN!") was thrown off by the sudden appearance of the Uchiha, and began to apologise for not noticing him earlier.

Above the noise of his not-longer-considered-sane cousin, Neji replied, smirking. "We were invited, _Uchiha_."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes, despising the smug smirk the Hyuuga was smirking.

Sasuke turned to the door abruptly, and opened it (because of reasons only Naruto knows the door was never closed) he then turned around with an obsessive gleam in his eyes and glowered at the Hyuuga.

"You won't have him. **He's miiine! MINE!**"

With that he slammed the door shut. Leaving behind a genuinely puzzled Hyuuga Neji.

Just what _in the world_ was that about? He asked himself.

That's when he noticed Hinata was still apologizing. She hadn't noticed Sasuke had already left.

Neji, for the umpteenth time that day, sighed dramatically.

* * *

When Sasuke entered the house, all his daydreams of a hot, romantic night with Naruto were stepped on mercilessly, crushed, and broken… Then Kiba came and threw them in the evil pits of broken dreams. 

"Oi, the prick is here!" Kiba shouted, from his lazy spot on the couch.

Sasuke looked around, blankly.

It was as if _everyone_ was here. Everyone Naruto knew… was _here_. Now.

"_But remember, you can't tell anyone about this, 'kay?" _echoed Naruto's voice through Sasuke's mind.

Why the hell was everyone here?! This was supposed to be the best night of his life, he needed Naruto for that! Not the rest of the world.

Sasuke looked through the room, noticing majority of the Rookie Nine was here. He saw Kakashi reading his perverted novel in a corner while giggling like a maniac, he saw Ino's parents, he saw Gai trying to learn everyone his newest invented Youthful Good Guy Pose #970, Kurenai and Asuma sat one a couch together doing nothing. Jiraiya was trying to get his head on such an angle he could see into Shizune's shirt, who sat next to him. Tsunade threw a chair at his head.

And during all this madness, an excited Sakura managed to get to him. "Sasuke-_kuuuuuuun_!" she screeched. "I missed you!" She threw herself around his neck.

Sasuke grunted something not quite understandable, searching for a certain face in the crowd. Ah, there he was, sitting between a laughing Ino and a bored looking Shikamaru.

Sasuke, being the cool person he was, completely ignored the girl clinging at his neck (just how much sake had she drunk?) and called Naruto.

Naruto apologized to Shikamaru and Ino, and came over to Sasuke.

"Oi teme!" Naruto greeted Sasuke merrily. "Took ya long enough!"

Sasuke glared at the blonde. _Uchiha rule #3012: always play cool_. He couldn't just barge in and yell something along the lines of 'dobe, take me!'.

"Is this a party?" Sasuke asked icily.

"Yeah!" Naruto exclaimed happily. "I've got some important stuff to tell ya all, we just have to wait for Neji and Hinata to arrive!"

Sasuke's thoughts wondered to the duo he had locked out of Naruto's apartment before looking at the blonde standing in front of him, who was smiling like an idiot.

Seeing the Uchiha was still looking like someone had just died, Naruto carefully asked. "What? Is something wrong?"

Sasuke felt like losing his cool. He felt like making a scene. He wanted to yell. But, no. As the last of the Uchiha clan he had to make sure to follow the rules. He had to give a good example to all the little kids that didn't exist, _yet_.

So Sasuke took a deep breath and said: "Yes, there is."

Naruto raised an eyebrow. The majority of the room suddenly fell silent, as if feeling something big was going to happen.

Everyone waited for Sasuke to continue.

Sasuke didn't like this attention, especially not since he was going to say what he was going to say, but he was brave and continued.

"I… I don't feel like partying." Sasuke managed to get out. He carefully formed another sentence in his head.

"I thought it would be just you and me."

Crap. In his head it had sounded way better. And less obvious.

The male part of the room, including Naruto, had no clue what was going on. (Except Jiraiya of course. He quickly grabbed his notebook and began writing like a madman.)

The female part of the room gasped out loudly as realisation dawned on him.

Sakura suddenly turned sober and stared in horror at Sasuke. "Y-you…" she pointed at Sasuke. "N-Naruto…" she pointed at Naruto.

Luckily for Sasuke, Tsunade quickly chose that moment to drag her student to the couch and gave her an impressive speech about slower people who needed to figure thing out themselves.

Meanwhile, Sasuke, in the humiliating silence, got a slight red tinge on his cheeks.

That's when they heard a loud noise at the front door.

"JYUUKEN!" someone shouted. And with that the door gave away. Leaving just a big hole.

Naruto's short attention span forgot he had been talking to Sasuke, and he greeted Neji and Hinata excitedly.

Sasuke just stood there, frozen like a statue. He didn't notice the sympathetic looks the female population in the room gave him, he didn't realise it when Hinata fainted because Naruto greeted her.

The rest of the evening went extremely vague for him. The only thing he _did_ realise was Naruto's voice shouting "Guys! I'm engaged to Ino!"

That was the moment Sasuke decided he had had enough.

* * *

Everything was blurry. She couldn't see things clearly anymore. Hiccup. 

Where am I? She asked herself. Hiccup.

I feel… dirty. Hiccup.

Wait… Naruto… Ino… _Noooooooo!_ Hiccup.

Waiter?

Another bottle of sake, please.

Yes, I am sure.

**Yes. **

Just give me the damn thing, **dammit!**

**Obey me! **

**Now. **

Your choice.

* * *

Sasuke stumbled around Konoha, yesh, pretty drunken he was. He swayed down the streets, scaring everyone with Villain Laugh #5. 

Though the villagers seemed even more scared when he was singing about bunnies. Or chainsaws. Or both of them.

Sasuke wanted to walk into yet another inn, when he saw someone being kicked out of it.

"Don't you dare to ever come back here!" the owner shouted to the person, who now lay weakly on the ground.

Sasuke felt like pointing and laughing at someone, so he moved onto the person who lay down on the ground and already began with pointing and laughing.

But when he came closer he noticed something familiar…

Wait, was that…

"Shashuke-shaaaaan?" the person on the ground weakly slurred. ("Sasuke-saaaan?")

"No, **I **am Sasuke…" Sasuke stated possessively. Too drunken to remember that Hinata couldn't hear his thoughts, thus she could not finish them for him.

"W-where aaaam I?" Hinata slurred.

"…We're in a cruel, cruel world." Sasuke whispered and looked up at the sky, looking for a sign to see if the Gods disagreed. But no. There was no sign. Thus the Gods agreed with the Uchiha's genius.

Sasuke, himself, never did notice his moodswing.

Hinata silently agreed with Sasuke. She stood up, but for some rare reason everything kept dancing in front of her eyes.

She swayed a bit and walked…

Three meters further she smacked into a wall. "Really… I shwear faf wall washn'f fere before…" she muttered to herself.

* * *

With that, began the great adventures of a drunken duo named Shashuke and Hinasha, who in one night caused as much destruction as Orochimaru had done in his Sound-Leaf invasion. But that's another story for another time. 

Sasuke, in a momentary lapse of reason, offered to walk the drunken Hyuuga to her house.

Hinata just stared at the sky muttering about flying pancakes, which Sasuke took as a yes.

After walking for some good two hours (Sasuke got lost), they finally reached the Uchiha compound.

"Buf fish ishn'f my houshe…" Hinata slurred once again.

Sasuke blinked. "Oh… Well, at leasht it'sh mine." He said.

Hinata agreed with the Uchiha prodigy's genius, and followed him inside.

* * *

The next morning Hyuuga Neji, prodigy of the Hyuuga clan, bodyguard of Hyuuga Hinata, went out looking for his cousin, who he somehow had lost during Naruto's and Ino's engagement party. 

The scream he screamed when he found Hinata in his most hated rival's bed became a legend.

**The end**

* * *

**(1) How would you expect Sasuke to be back in Konohagakure if he hadn't killed off Itachi yet? And how would you expect him to love someone if Itachi is the only one he can think of. (Not that way.)**

**(2) Ino and Sakura were both 8-year-olds when they started crushing on Sasuke. Ino stopped when she was 12, because he betrayed Konoha. Sakura stopped shortly after Sasuke came back to Konoha. (In this fic at least. NOT CANON)**

**(3) You Hinata fans can deny it, but it's the truth anyway. Hinata's a fangirl. Not a very obvious one, but that was why I dubbed her **_**closet**_** fangirl. **

**(4) Hehe, remember with the 'Retrieve Sasuke' mission that Neji told Naruto that Naruto's eyes could see in the darkness and show other the light, or something like that? Well, Naruto told Sasuke and Sasuke translated Naruto's babbling as: Neji says my eyes are pretty.**

**I'll leave to you imagination what happened that night... But what made Neji screaming a scream so great that it became a legend? -blinks innocently-**

And Naruto's engaged to Ino because I love NaruIno. ;D

Noticed any ridiculously long sentences? That was done on purpose, just so you know. xD

And remember. This is a crackfic, don't take this seriously. Just tell me if this made you giggle, cackle insanely, if you died of laughter, or if it was just not funny at all.

And I don't need any fangirls screaming at me that Sasuke isn't gay. Thank you very much.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll multichapter this. :

Oh yeah, and for the people who are still expecting an update of _Blank Slate: _I'll be gone for a whole week. Tomorrow I'll be off to Greece, and I won't be back 'till next Thursday… sorry.


End file.
